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2nd October 2016

8:51pm: Depression in three drawings
Three drawings which I think do a good job showing some of the inner workings of depression.
Drawings below the cutCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/236824.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

20th March 2016

8:43pm: Chronicle of Days: 3/13/16-3/19/16
Summary of this past week’s happenings & thoughtsCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/236554.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only
Current Mood: restless

14th March 2016

6:57am: Chronicle of Days: 3/6/16 - 3/12/16
Summary of this past week’s happenings & thoughtsCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/236312.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only
Current Mood: discontent

6th March 2016

9:03pm: Chronicle of Days: 2/28/16-3/5/16
Summary of this past week’s happenings & thoughtsCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/236183.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only
Current Mood: productive

28th February 2016

5:14pm: Chronicle of Days: 2/21/16-2/27/16
Summary of this past week’s happenings & thoughtsCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/235840.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only
Current Mood: busy

21st February 2016

8:42pm: Chronicle of Days: 2/14/16 - 2/20/16
Summary of this past week’s happenings & thoughtsCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/235631.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

14th February 2016

2:18pm: Chronicle of Days: 2/7/16 - 2/13/16
Summary of this past week’s happenings & thoughtsCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/235266.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only
Current Mood: depressed

6th February 2016

8:54pm: Chronicle of Days: 1/31/16 - 2/6/16
Summary of this past week’s happenings & thoughtsCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/235182.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

31st January 2016

5:33pm: Chronicle of Days: 1/24/16 - 1/30/16
Summary of this past week’s happenings & thoughtsCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/234998.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

24th January 2016

7:54am: Chronicle of Days: 1/17/16-1/23/16
Summary of this past week’s happenings & thoughtsCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/234626.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

17th January 2016

5:18pm: Chronicle of Days: 1/10/16 - 1/16/16
Summary of this past week’s happenings & thoughtsCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/234292.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

3rd January 2016

6:43pm: Chronicle of Days: 12/27 - 1/2
Summary of this past week’s happenings & thoughtsCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/233864.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

27th December 2015

8:57pm: Star Wars: The Force Awakens - initial thoughts (with spoilers)
Overall, I liked the movie, and plan to see it at least one more time. I didn't have the sinking "oh, no, they messed this one up" feeling I did with the prequels, and it was fun to watch.

Some general thoughts:
spoilers-included review below the cutCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/233461.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

28th September 2015

10:17am: Panarama of lunar eclipse
Here's a series of pictures I took of the lunar eclipse last night. These were taken using a basic digital camera, nothing extravagant. Click on picture for full size @ Flickr.



Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/232739.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

10th August 2015

8:38am: Mid-august garden update




Garden harvest
Our vegetable garden (in southern Maryland) is doing its usual August thing of putting out cherry and Roma tomatoes on an almost production-line level, plus one or two peppers every week. We have a couple of raised beds, which is good enough for our 2-person family size. I've lost a lot of the Roma and most of the full-sized tomatoes so far to cracking, which I suspect is because we had a long stretch where it rained or thunderstormed every day, then the last few weeks has had barely any rain at all, and AFAIK that combo is a big contributor to cracking even with the timed irrigation watering system we use.

The lettuce was coming up gangbusters when we were getting a lot of rain, but then just started to tail off and bolt when a groundhog visited and decimated it; we have a couple of old apple trees which are having good years, so we think it was attracted by fallen apples and decided to diversify its diet while it was at it. My squash was also heavily chewed sometime in the past week, I'm suspecting the same fellow. But, on the plus side the leeks are doing very well, and there's a rogue watermelon that sprang up from my experiment last year at growing a small globe variety (but too seedy for my tastes), so we may get an unintentional watermelon or two this year as well.

I'm also trying South African gem squash in three different places, so far so good (they're still too small to make good. I'm hoping I'll get something off of those before the first freeze.


Cosmos
Finally, this is a Cosmos bipinnatus, its the first flower to come up in a new butterfly garden that I seeded in the spring. I'd worried that the whole bed had been taken over by weeds without any flowers coming up, but this is a hopeful sign.

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/232523.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

5th August 2015

9:23pm: The need to write
From an interview with playwright Michel Tremblay, circa 1982.
This resonated with me, in both good and bad ways:
"The need to write? You can say what you want, you write to be loved.
It's very silly, and it's very basic. But for myself, I know that I write to be loved.
When you do something creative, even when you are insulting everyone, it
comes from a need in you to be loved. Even with the most insulting poetry,
the lowest form of theatre or the craziest novels! Just trying to attract
attention shows a need to be loved. Especially when you live in a sterile
society like ours. Writers can't deny that they have that somewhere in them.
Unless you are Fernande from L'Improptu d'Outremont and you never publish
your work. There are certainly geniuses who have written for themselves
without ever publishing. But that is something else. And if you publish, it
is for people to read you, to be read, to be loved."

I've had an internal belief for a while that the primary purpose of art is to communicate; that may be with oneself, but if it stops there, is it really art, is it really self-expression in any meaningful way? I think that's been contributing to my reluctance to write, though, as well. It can be a problem, because whether one's expression ever finds an audience is to a large part out of your hands. That's not to say one shouldn't do one's best, I think one always should for its own sake because one is able to, but expecting to reap what is sown in any measure is a sure way to a broken heart. In a way, I suppose its like love, in that how well you love is no guarantee that you will be loved back; that's the tragedy of unrequited love (and the Wizard of Oz has it completely wrong, in my opinion, when he says "A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others"). But laying aside the expectations is hard, since a lot of motivation tends to be tied up with those expectations, at least for me.

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/232267.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

31st July 2015

3:00pm: Sine wave moods, and "depression lies"
The past couple of weeks were pretty decent ones. I felt...well, if not great all the time, then at least level, keeping busy at work and at home, working on planning for a couple of trips I'm really looking forward to, etc. The sine wave patterns my moods had descended into, up-and-down in patterns of a few days during the worst part last year, then a week up, an week down, had seemingly started to lengthen, which was good news considering what it's been like for the past year or so. So I figured "Great! Finally turned the corner! Back to normalcy, or whatever passes for it for me!"

Uh-uh. Not so fast.

I had a few midday meetings at work this week that knocked me off my regular exercise schedule, and the past couple of days my insomnia* decided to make a return visit. That's all it takes, apparently, for my emotional well-being to take a crash. And its funny, in a way, to feel it happening...its not quite like a shadow coming over my consciousness, that's not a great analogy, but something akin to that.

And when I get like this, I can see the symptoms emerge as it comes on. I get slightly more irritable. I feel worthless. I start ruminating over things like "why am I bothering doing /fill in the activity/chore/job I'm doing/, it doesn't matter in the long run anyway." I start obsessing over little things, trying to interpret some kind of deeper meaning over something - might be someone's silence, or trying to figure out intonation or double-meanings in a email where there's no cues to make even a reasonable guess, things like that. There's a lot of overthinking (or in the vernacular "making a lot out of nothing").

And I know, in the reasonable, adult, detached part of me, that I'm being unreasonable, that its my lack of sleep, my depression, my lack of exercise, doing the talking to myself, and that drawing conclusions from it is just a bad idea. Depression lies...that's true.

But there's a problem with "depression lies," and its this. Sure, I can know that my perceptions are off, that its probably the mental equivalent of a hallucination...but, that doesn't make it any less real, in the moment. It reminds me of the movie "Take Shelter": yes, the protagonist *knows* he has a family history of mental illness, that the things he's seeing may not be real...but that doesn't help much, because its not like there's an alternative track of "how things really are" one can just flip a switch and jump to. It seems real, therefore it is real, regardless of how much (or how little) correspondence it has to reality.

So, depression lies...yes, true, but perhaps not as helpful as one might hope.

Anyway, I did my usual exercise routine today and I feel...well, not as bad. I don't know if "better" is quite the right word, since that implies "problem over, issue closed!" But its more evidence that I can know that my sleep and exercise patterns have a clear and demonstrated correlation with my mental state, absolutely know this, and still fall into the trap. Again, its not as easy as it seems to keep it up every day, even knowing I really need to - things happen, schedules get changed, and sometimes life just throws a curve ball in. And you'd think I'd be able to just say "oh, this is just a reaction to not getting enough sleep" and just abide in that - if that seems just stupid not to do, and it may if you're not someone who goes through this, then reread what I wrote above. When you're in a particular mental state, expecting clear, rational thought may be too much to ask.

* - I note that a bad habit I've gotten into is picking up my smartphone and checking my email when I get up in the middle of the night. What tends to happen is that I'll read an email and my brain will "turn on" enough to start ruminating about whatever's in the email, with my subconscious often putting the worst possible spin on what's in it, and off my head will go on the hamster wheel for the rest of the night. Yeah, not good, but often my curiosity will get the best of me.

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/231958.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only
Current Mood: uncomfortable

17th April 2015

8:41pm: Two love poems (Shelley, Kavanaugh)
Of a sort...or a kind.

Body below the cutCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/231472.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

18th February 2015

5:56pm: Notes from a trip to New York City
Just some random notes I took while on a trip to New York City for a two-day conference at the United Nations, followed by an overnight stay at my parent’s place on the way back.
Read more...Collapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/231224.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

31st January 2015

9:11pm: Super Bowl V: what was lost, now is found...
From the "yet another Internet subcommunity you didn't know was out there" file...

So, tomorrow is Super Bowl XLIX (or for non-football fans, "the day all the cool new commercials come out."). Well, way back in 1971, Super Bowl V was played, between the Colts and Cowboys...
Video and notes behind the cutCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/231066.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

23rd January 2015

5:56pm: Four notes
* It may be my Philly-area roots coming out, but nothing quite hits the spot when you're driving home and hungry than a soft pretzel, still soft and salty but not too salty, preferably warm but still OK if not. Yum. Mustard optional. I also reflect on the parallelism of going to a WaWa for random sundries growing up, and now living in an area where I do the same thing going home from work.
* I need to be a more aware re: monitoring how my joints react to bad weather coming in. My body was noticeably achy and uncomfortable all day, perhaps in anticipation of the storm system we're supposed to get smacked around by later tonight. Would be helpful to know if there's actually a correlation, rather than it just being "one of those days" at random.
* I think adding an electric blanket at night has been a big quality-of-life boost for me. Granted, it makes getting *out* of bed more grumpily difficult in the morning, but I don't miss waking up in the middle of the night with cold joints in pain, not one bit. (the cats like the auto-warmed blanket perhaps even more than I do, to be fair).
* A thing I take its absence for granted now, but also don't miss one bit? Cockroaches. My family lived in an apartment that had them until I was about 6, then I experienced them again in the summer apartment I had in Bowling Green while finishing my MA, and *all* the apartments I had while at Ohio State had them, also (to various degrees of crawlingness). You do learn to stop thinking about things creeping around at all times while living with it, in my experience, but really, its too easy to take a pest-less house for granted. Sidebar: also don't miss sleeping in places where one wakes up to a series of spider bites inflicted overnight, either.

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/230680.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

9th January 2015

2:29pm: VIA personality assessment results
I took the VIA personality assessment at http://www.viacharacter.org/www/Character-Strengths/Personality-Assessment . For a free test, it was fairly comprehensive (over 100 questions) and the results correlated fairly well with other tests I've taken.

Results behind the cutCollapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/230509.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

21st December 2014

5:49pm: General life notes (from December FB)
These were made on different dates on Facebook, if you read me there you've probably
already seen most of these. Sharing for those who don't FB, and for life archival purposes.
Read more...Collapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/230123.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

17th December 2014

8:15pm: Gratefulness posts (from October)
Back in Oct., I made the following series of gratefulness posts on Facebook. I wanted to share them here, for those who didn't see them as well as for archival purposes.

Continued after the cut...Collapse )

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/229758.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only

14th December 2014

12:49pm: Mirror test
Tap, tap. Is this thing on?
I live?

(mostly a post to check whether the mirror from Dreamwidth.org to LJ is working for my account...it appears I may need to post at DW first, then hopefully it gets echoed over at Livejournal. Still figuring how this works...)

Crossposted from http://tagryn.dreamwidth.org/228753.html where there are comment count unavailable comments. Comment wherever you prefer; anonymous comments are allowed on DW only
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